Snatch. Transporter. Transporter 2.

All good movies. What happened, Jason? Why did you have to go and make me look so bad in front of my friends? I vouched for your movie, I brought all kinds of people to see you and pay your salary. And you screwed me, Jason. I don’t think we can see each other anymore.

I’ve been excited about seeing the movie Crank for a while now. Ever since I saw the preview a month or so ago, I knew it was one that I would bend over backwards to see the day of. In my mind I was going to see Transporter 3.

The movie begins (and continues) with very…interesting camerawork. Honestly I was excited about it right away, thinking “This is very odd…but I think I will like this movie.” I like weird movies.

Then the dialogue began. I began to feel embarassed for bringing so many people to this movie. I kept waiting for the redeeming qualities – which were to be expected/hoped for – like the amazing fight and chase scenes. I was looking forward to the fight scenes more than anything, because after seeing The Transporter I knew Statham was capable of some awesome stuff. This movie showcased nothing.

Here’s a recap of the movie for you, minus any of the little details that don’t really matter in this plotline anyway: Jason has to keep his adrenaline up, or he dies. So he drinks Red Bull. And Monster. And Rockstar. So he listens to heavy music. So he drives fast. So he electrocutes himself. So he uses nasal spray (yeah). So he runs a lot. So he has sex (of course he does). So he drinks more Red Bull.

Anything about this movie starting to sound repetitive to you? Me too. Fill in the gaps with poorly choreographed fighting, lots of cursing, and empty, lifeless characters and you have Crank. The movie was more like a sophomore level independant film than it was a solid Hollywood-quality action flick.

What pissed me off the most about it, though, was that it was never marketed to be what it was. Every trailer I saw for Crank made it look like another Statham action picture. Even Snakes on a Plane didn’t make me as mad as it could have, because the marketing team knew it was bad – they admitted it in the trailer. But the people behind Crank didn’t extend the same courtesy to their audiences. No one was expecting a masterpiece with Crank – sure, it would have corny parts, probably wouldn’t be the best (because let’s face it, does anything ever really top the original?) but it would be fun to watch. Crank was not fun to watch. Crank sucked.